


Pity Cupcake

by SteveTrevorsStarship



Series: RoyEd OTPoly 2020 [4]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Blind Date, But it's offscreen, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Really just two boys being dramatic, Somebody's burned alive, These two are actual idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:53:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25213489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SteveTrevorsStarship/pseuds/SteveTrevorsStarship
Summary: Roy does not end up liking Havoc’s blind date choice. Or he might be blind again because there’s no date in sight.
Relationships: Edward Elric/Roy Mustang
Series: RoyEd OTPoly 2020 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1813930
Comments: 14
Kudos: 136
Collections: RoyEd OTPoly 2020





	Pity Cupcake

**Author's Note:**

> so yeah just a fair warning reAD THE TAGS PLEASE 
> 
> Prompt: Roy is going through a dry spell. Word count: 473-867
> 
> House level: Someone from the team offers to help out by setting Roy up with a blind date. Word count: 1028-2395
> 
> Hotel level: The blind date is NOT Ed, but this is still a RoyEd piece. Max word count: 4102
> 
> Hotel level ;) ;) Im stuck inside for the next two weeks so yall better get ready I'm about to be around like every day

Roy sighs as Riza gently pushes another stack of papers toward him. 

“Here are all of the cases you asked for,” she says softly. “Are you sure you should be looking at these?”

And Roy–

He hates it. He hates that he’s stuck in here doing paperwork instead of actual legwork. He hates that Riza, whose default is tough love, has adopted a sweet voice and sounds like she wants to send him home with a pat on the head. He hates that all he can feel right now is mild irritation that is merely poking above the sea of numbness _. _

“I’ll be fine,” he assures Riza with a tight smile. The assurance doesn’t work well because Riza frowns at him. 

“Not that I don’t typically expect this of you, sir, but you’ve been more efficient this past month with the paperwork than I’ve ever seen from you before.”

_ It’s concerning _ is what she’s actually saying. Roy’s known her long enough that the undertones mean more than the actual words, and he’s been less than subtle in burying himself in his work since the incident. 

“I’ve just decided that being more productive will be better for everybody in the office,” Roy offers.

Riza doesn’t bother with the pretense. “That’s a lie, sir.”

Roy pauses. “Perhaps.” 

“Is it anything I can help with?” 

“No. Thank you, Hawkeye. You’re dismissed.”

“Yes, sir. I’ll be sending Havoc in after me to debrief you on the reforms Fuhrer Grumman has decided to buckle down on.” 

_ I’m sending Havoc in to torture you so you don’t get any work done because you’re being a dick,  _ Roy hears. He winces and nods. That’s fair. Hawkeye leaves the room without another word and barely a minute later Havoc bounces into his room, cigarette dangerously close to falling out of his mouth and a wide grin on his face. 

“I’ve got a girlfriend!” he says without preamble and Roy resists the urge to groan. Havoc slides into the seat opposite Roy’s and puts his boots onto his desk. “I’m surprised you haven’t stolen her from me, yet. She’s gorgeous– got legs for days and everything. Whole package. And she’s  _ smart,  _ too. I’m not entirely sure what she thinks she’s doing with me, but–” 

Roy tunes him out and looks out the window. Havoc won’t notice, and if he does, he’ll just keep talking. Not that he doesn’t usually enjoy Havoc’s interruptions from his work, he just wants to sink into the numbness and talk of how successful Havoc has been with the girls lately is– 

Well, embarrassing. Frankly, Roy hasn’t been on a date in a month and for him, that’s just… sad. 

It’s not that people haven’t offered. He gets asked on a date at least every other day, even when he isn’t trying. But lately, he just hasn’t had a reason to accept or charm anybody into his bed. The long workday of paperwork and acting like he’s at least  _ functioning _ emotionally takes its toll. By the time he’s home, he just wants to lie in bed or grab a glass of Scotch. The energy it takes to go on a date and put on yet another mask is too much for him, so he doesn’t bother accepting offers to dates.

Hence the dry spell. 

“There’s this other chick that said she’d be interested in meeting you, Brigadier General,” Havoc says suddenly and Roy turns back to him to raise his eyebrow. “Just one date, and I’ll promise you’ll like her. And besides, this way, you’ll be too preoccupied with her to steal my girlfriend.” 

Roy thinks for a moment. Lack of energy and motivation aside, he has a pride he needs to take care of. 

“When and where?”

Havoc grins. 

. . .

Roy does not end up liking Havoc’s blind date choice. Or he might be blind again because there’s no date in sight. 

Roy Mustang, stood up on a date. He really has reached his low point. How old is he, thirty-four? Isn’t that too young for a mid-life crisis? 

He smiles glibly at the waiter as he hands him a pity cupcake in a to-go container. “On the house, mate,” the waiter says.

“Thank you,” Roy responds and the waiter nods at him before walking away. He picks up the container, leaves a couple of cenz tip on the table, and tugs on his coat before leaving the restaurant. 

Outside, it’s pouring rain. Roy sighs as he steps out from under the awning, resigning himself to looking like a wet cat on his walk home. 

_ Rain is good,  _ he has to remind himself.  _ The less it feels like Ishval, the better. The more water, the less scorching heat and flame. _

_ Except,  _ another voice in the back of his head that sounds suspiciously like Riza says,  _ you can’t use your gloves in the rain. How will you protect yourself?  _

Roy groans. He can’t win, can he? 

. . .

By the time he gets home, he’s soaked from head to toe. There isn’t a spot on him that hasn’t been rained on. He tosses the cupcake on the counter carelessly and goes upstairs to get some dry clothes on. After he goes back downstairs, he pours himself a glass of scotch and sits on the couch with a book.

_ Who needs a pride anyway?  _

He’s about halfway through the glass when somebody knocks on the door. Roy sighs and stands up to answer it, only to find himself standing face to face with Ed. 

“Sup, Bastard?”

Roy blinks. “Edward, I don’t believe I invited you over today.”

“Nah, I invited myself over. Your library is closer than the actual library and it’s raining too hard for me to walk that far.” Ed brushes past Roy, walking in and looking around. “You got any food? I haven’t eaten yet. Have you?”

“I ate out,” Roy lies. He isn’t hungry. 

“Okay,” Ed says, “I’m still ordering takeout. Xingese?” 

“I’m not the one eating it. There’s also a cupcake on the counter if you’d like it.” 

Ed perks up at that and walks over to the cupcake, immediately opening the container and licking the frosting off. 

Roy carefully does not think about his tongue or the way he looks at Roy when he does… that. 

_ Two months,  _ something screams inside Roy,  _ and you actually like him. Why not try? _

Roy knows the response to that is  _ Because he would sooner tear my throat out and feed me to his mildly terrifying brother.  _

Ed and Roy are friends. Nothing more, nothing less. After Ed had moved back to Central to work at the University, they started hanging out on the weekends. It was nice for Roy because Ed was an easy person to let his guard down around. It’s nice for Ed because– well. Probably because Roy has a nice library.

Ed’s voice snaps Roy out of his reverie. “I can’t believe you didn’t comment on it.”

Roy blinks as he looks up at Ed, who has demolished the entire cupcake. “Comment on what?”

Ed shrugs, tossing the wrapper in the trash can before jumping on the couch next to Roy. He crosses his legs. “Me licking the frosting off first. You always do.”  _ Because it never fails to turn me on and I don’t have a good response to it other than “Why the hell are you using your tongue like that?”  _

“How could you lick the frosting off then eat the cupcake, that’s a sin against nature,” Roy says dryly.

“Perfect, thank you.” Ed pokes Roy in the arm. “You’re off your game today.”

Roy laughs bitterly and says, “In more ways than one, it seems.”

Ed frowns. “Did the date go that badly?”

“Havoc told you?” 

“Yeah, somewhere in the hour-long rant about his girlfriend’s boobs. Was it  _ that  _ bad?”

“No-show.”

“No shit,” Ed says. “I didn’t think people were capable of ditching  _ you _ on a date.”

Roy groans and sinks further into the couch. “I hate this.”

Ed rolls his eyes. “You’re acting like a five-year-old. C’mon, I’ve seen you walk away with your head held high from a woman that called you the work of the devil and insulted your entire bloodline. There is no way this is affecting you that much. What’s  _ actually  _ wrong?”

“Nothing,” Roy says, “I got stood up, that’s all.”

“Don’t sell me your bullshit, Roy, I’ve been sniffing it for years.”

Roy wrinkles his nose. “Gross.”

“I believe the word you’re looking for is kinky.” Roy gags. “Stop distracting me. What’s wrong?”

Roy tamps down on the urge to say  _ You’re the one who said it  _ but decides not to. He takes a deep breath and weighs his options. Either he tells Ed or he doesn’t tell him and Ed pesters him about it for the rest of the night. 

Better to just rip the band-aid off, he supposes. Then he can keep drinking in peace. 

He sits up and grabs his glass off the coffee table. “About a month ago,” Roy says, “an Ishvalan child was found dead.” He takes another sip of his scotch. “Burned alive, to be exact. Hate crime.” 

Ed startles and says, “Oh.”

Roy laughs, but it’s brittle. “Yeah. We kept it out of the news so it didn’t give anybody any ideas. There were other hate crimes, but none ever got that… brutal. I suppose that’s a step in the right direction.”

“Roy,” Ed says softly. Roy shakes his head and continues. 

“I was called on to the scene. There were problems with the investigating officer– he wasn’t willing to investigate properly. To him  _ it _ was an Ishvalan, not a kid. Somebody reported him and I had to step in.” Roy takes another shaky breath. “No matter what I do now, I just look at it and think  _ what about that kid, huh? How is it going to help people like him in the future? _ ”

“You can’t think like that. You know you’re doing your best to change things.”

Roy shakes his head again. “Just because I know I can’t think like that doesn’t mean I won’t. The fact is I’m sitting on my ass writing budgetary reviews and biding time until I can fix all this. Kids shouldn’t have to fear for their lives in the place they call home, Ed! It’s not right.”

“And that’s why you’re going to take care of yourself better. You’re going to make it right someday,” Ed says abruptly. “But today, you’re going to stop feeling sorry for yourself, you’re going to hand me that glass of scotch, and you’re going to order both of us Xingese food because I know for a fact you haven’t eaten.” 

“How do you know that?”

“That was a pity cupcake. You didn’t eat anything at the restaurant and they gave you a pity cupcake, Roy. I’m not stupid.” Ed holds his hand out. “Scotch, please.”

Roy hands it over with a long sigh. “Eggrolls or dumplings?”

Ed scoffs. “Are you stupid? Both.” 

. . .

When Roy is done calling the Xingese place he walks back to the living room to find Ed buried in a book. He looks at Ed, curled up on the couch with his long hair splayed over the pillows, and he wonders– 

“If you thought I had a date,” Roy asks, “why would you come over here?”

Ed tries to cover it with the book but Roy sees the blush creeping up his neck. He steps forward and snatches the book away from Ed’s hand. He sits down next to him on the couch. “Well?” he asks. 

“Hey!” Ed protests. He reaches his hand out. “Give me the damn book back! I was reading that, bastard!” 

“No you weren’t, you were avoiding my question. Why did you come over if you thought I might have someone over?”

“You never have someone over,” Ed mumbles, crossing his arms and sitting back. “You always go to their place.”

Roy tries not to think about how satisfying it is that Ed remembered something he’d told him when he was drunk off his ass months ago. “Why did you come over if you thought I might not be here, then?” 

Ed scowls. “Give me the fucking book.”

“Only if you tell me,” Roy says, dangling it just above Ed’s head and pulling it just out of reach when Ed tried to snatch it. 

“You mother fucker,” Ed growls, “you’re using my height against me!”

“You mean your lack of–?” Roy is interrupted by Ed throwing himself forward on the couch and full-on straddling him. The older man lets out a squeak of protest– which he  _ will  _ be revisiting later for the sake of his manhood– and continues keeping the book just out of Ed’s reach. 

Ed finally gives up and slumps against Roy’s chest. “Fuck you,” he says, simply. Roy raises his eyebrow but doesn’t lower the book. “Al kicked me out of the apartment because I was moping.”

“Your brother kicked you out because you were  _ moping _ ?” 

“Yeah.”

“Isn’t that a bit excessive?

“No, cuz he knew I had to come over here.”

Roy frowns. “That doesn’t make any sense. Why were you moping?”

Ed’s face flushes an even brighter shade of red and he buries his face against Roy’s shirt. Even if Roy didn’t think this was cuter than hell, he also falls victim to the fact that he is, in fact, a red-blooded male, and having Ed this close in proximity is breaking his brain a little bit. 

“Cuz you were going on a date,” Ed mumbles into his shirt. 

Roy stays silent for a moment. “Which kind of moping?” he asks finally.

Ed’s eyebrows furrow. “What?”

“‘I’m jealous he has a girlfriend and I don’t’ moping or ‘I wish I was the one on that date with him,’ moping?” 

Ed blinks at him. 

Roy blinks back. 

Ed hits him on the back of the head. 

“Ow!” Roy whines, rubbing his head. “What the hell was that for?”

“I’m straddling you right now, you fucking idiot, which one do you think?”

“Oh.”

“ _ Oh,  _ he fucking says. What a fucking idiot.” Ed moves to get off his lap. “No idea why I even like you, you stupid bastard, much less–” 

Roy reaches out to gently grab his waist and pull him back onto his lap. “Me too,” is all he says. 

Another awkward moment of blinking, this time not interrupted by Ed hitting him, but instead by him saying, “‘You too’ as in ‘I like me too’ or ‘I like you too–”

Roy throws his head back on the couch arm and laughs. “I deserved that,” he says when he settles down. “I totally deserved that.”

And he starts thinking that Ed sitting above him with a giant grin on his face and his golden eyes shining– 

Maybe he deserves that, too. 

. . .

Earlier that week, Alphonse Elric and Jean Havoc sit in a restaurant, eating their respective meals and discussing the messes that are Edward Elric and Roy Mustang. 

“So,” Al says, “the Brigadier General is going on a blind date Friday?”

“Yup,” Havoc responds simply. “The girl seems a bit nervous about it, though, so I might tell him he has to cancel–” 

“No,” Al says, grinning. “This is perfect. Don’t cancel, even if she does.”

“Wh–?”

“I have the best idea. This way, they  _ both  _ stop moping.” 

**Author's Note:**

> yes, Roy, I too straddle my friends and cuddle them and still have a platonic relationship with them. to be fair I did kiss my friend, but that doesn't count cuz I'm straight. sorry sis. 
> 
> nobody:  
> Roy: *trying to get back on the horse because he's an absolute masochist* I CAN DATE AGAIN  
> Ed: no you fucking cant you clown
> 
> pun absolutely intended


End file.
